Musings: My type of girl

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Negativity was never an issue for her
She knew what she wanted
And strived hard for it
Always pushing herself to the limit
Making sure she stayed ahead
I wish I was like her
Focused and confident

Not afraid to follow her dreams
And be who she wanted to be
A girl after their hearts
A girl they swoon at the sight of
Because she commands such respect
A well mannered and disciplined girl
A girl others look up to
I wish I was like her

A beautiful girl
Both inside and outside
They say beauty is skin deep
And so is her beauty
A girl who turn heads
When she walks into the room
Not just with her beauty

But her elegance
The way she carried herself
A girl people listen to
Because every word that leaves her mouth is sensible
Her size and weight doesn’t matter
Because she’s more than that
I wish I was like her

Not scared of change
Because it might make her a better person
A girl who isn’t desperate for money
Because imparting lives matter more
A girl who wouldn’t drop her panties
Out of the fun of doing it
Because she knows she’s worth more than the momentary fun

A girl who didn’t live a fake life
Because being original mattered more
A girl her kids would be proud of
Because she didn’t make stupid decisions
Momentary decisions
Without considering the consequences
A girl worth waiting for
I wish I was like her

The last time

Last time I saw you
You looked worse than you used to
Before the breakup
And you begging me to come back
To come back and give it another try
You looked unhappy
I smile and pull my hair
Been doing that lately
A sad sort of smile

Could it be?
Could it be you’re sad because I left?
You know boys pretend they’re tough
But inside they’re sometimes mushy
Sometimes
Sometimes I miss you
And sometimes I hate you
Don’t get me wrong
I don’t want you back
We’ve been on the love page before
And I burnt that book a while ago
What’s burnt can’t be put back together
What’s broken can’t be fixed
Entirely

Got this message for you
Never doubt your feelings
If you have a cause to wonder if you love or not
Then you don’t
And don’t ever play with anyone’s emotions
Just be honest
And live with a clear conscience

Musings: Blank

“The day you find yourself is the day you might lose yourself”
This statement played in her head over and over again. I don’t know if anyone has ever quoted it before but if nobody has, I would love to be tagged as the founder/originator.

The day you find yourself…
Over and over again it played. Found out today that her crush was getting married and she had nothing to do about it. He didn’t even know her but she did. She pulled a strand of her brown natural hair, stretched it and watched it spring back into its curly form. She wasn’t supposed to do that but her fingers were free and she just had to keep them busy. She had been reprimanded over and over about it but she really didn’t care.

She was feeling blank.
Really blank.
And didn’t even know why.
Emotions are crazy.
She should be happy for him but she should be happy too.
What is happiness?
Over the past week, she has forgotten. It used to be so easy to laugh, to laugh freely. But if they looked close enough, they’d see the sadness in her laughter.

Into the darkness

She wiped her mouth with the back of her hand and raised her head slowly to look at him. Her hair that usually gave her joy was a form of a burden to her now. It felt heavy and her head ached.
The white tiles on the floor were stained with drops of her blood.

The pain she felt made it hard for her to open her mouth so she could talk. She scrutinised him and felt this rush of hatred running through her veins.
She hated him as much as she loved him now. If only he could read her mind, he’d start running as far as his legs could carry him.
She stretched her legs and the scars of the previous beatings she’d tried to conceal reminded her of every teardrop that she’d cried because of him.
The blood started to flow from the bruise on her lips again and dripped down her shirt. She licked the blood and the saltiness made her feel sick.
He stood in front of her panting like he usually did whenever he struck her.

He hit her across the face and her blood flew across the floor.
She eyed the knives sitting in the knife rack on the kitchen counter. She knew she couldn’t reach it. The distance was too much.
Then he reached out and grabbed her hair. He pulled the hair and began to drag her across the kitchen floor.
She screamed with all her might and kicked at him.

He let go of her and she got her chance. She grabbed one of her black stilettos she’d had on half an hour before and without hesitating, hit him with it in the head. He yelled and grabbed his head. Then he slowly fell to the ground.
The impact wasn’t much but the effect gave her enough time to grab her phone and her purse. Without looking back, she ran out into the darkness.

The first time 1

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“I’m thinking of something” He said. They cycled through the carpet as the music played on softly and they swayed to it in the dark. The noise of the vehicles passing by were muffed and they were oblivious to the prancing of the neighbours. Her forehead was resting against his forehead and his hands were round her waist.
“It’s going to require me to go out.”
Wondering what he was up to, she gave him the permission to go out. She sat on his bed and wrapped her arms round herself. He was back in less than a minute like he promised. He was holding nothing and she was slightly disappointed.

“Wait!” He said.

He dug about in his bag and hid what he brought out in his hands.

“Do you know what this is?” He asked.

How was she supposed to?
She couldn’t see what he was holding.

He turned around and opened his palms in which laid two pink and white striped birthday cake candles.
She smiled and thought he was so sweet. He brought out a matchbox from his pocket which she presume he went to get and then he lit the candles. He sat beside her on the bed and handed her one of the candles. The light in the room was off and the candles illuminated the room, casting their shadows against the wall. She couldn’t stop smiling.

“Guess where I got the candles?”
“Where?” She asked.
“I stole them from a friend’s birthday cake” He whispered.
She laughed softly and thought he was so sweet and funny.
He held her hand in his and she rested her head on his shoulder.
“What are you thinking about?”
“Nothing” She whispered.
Liar!
She had a lot on her mind.
That moment, she played a mental tape of everything that had happened since she met him in her head and even though she had tried hard to resist it, she had to admit it.
She did like him.
It was weird but she did.
The candle wax slowly melted and then he grabbed her hand and let the candle drop fall on her skin. It hurt but she didn’t scream nor show any sign of pain.

“Why did you do that?” She asked.
“I’m sorry” He said.
“You can do the same for me if you want to”
“Of course I want to!” She thought. It did hurt.
She raised her candle and let the melting drop fall on his skin. He showed no sign of pain and she smiled.
“It actually hurts” She admitted.
“Now we have something to remind us of this day” He said.
She smiled again and thought he was so sweet.
And that moment, she knew she loved him.

Musings: Too much

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Is it too much to ask for
To ask for a life that’s perfect?
Too much to ask for
To ask for a guy that’s perfect?
There is no such thing as perfect
But is it wrong if I yearn for something close to it?

Is it too much to ask for a guy
A guy that loves me genuinely?
That isn’t making me
Making me play the role of a girlfriend
While he’s out there
Out there flirting with other girls
Is it too much to ask for
To ask for a real relationship?
In which I get early morning texts
Occasional treats and a real date

Too much to ask for a relationship
In which trust is the basis?
And I don’t have to go through your phone
Because I wonder what you’re up to
Is it too much to date a guy?
A guy that isn’t even your type
But you’re willing to work things out because you eventually fall for him?

Is it too much for the guy to try to make things work?
To make you feel like the queen you are
Because he is a king?
Is it too much to ask for a guy?
A guy who understands
Who knows what I’m feeling
Even when I haven’t said a word?
Is it too much to love someone
And be genuinely loved back?

Is it too much for you to try again
Even when your heart has been broken?
Too much for your heart to not be broken again?
Is it too much for you to want love
Is it too much?

Musings: The world

She never did understand.
How easy it is for people to hurt other people.
She read books about it and saw the news.
A teenager shot down.
A mother killing her baby.
A baby she carried for more than 9 months.
A baby she laboured to give birth to.
Sick.
The world is sick.
Sick and full of evil.
And the human heart is wicked.

Everyday we pray for peace in the world.
But the killings go on.
The bombing.
The suicides.
And the blood continue to flow and the tears too.
Who will help us?
God?
We’ve called on him countless times.
He’s probably lounging in his sitting room.
Observing everything going on.
Going on in the world.

And wondering why we won’t learn.
It’s not his fault.
He made the world beautiful.
But human grew to be what they wanted to.
Greedy, selfish and wicked.
Hurting other people.
Even people they claim that they love.
Some are after money.
And don’t care what they do.
As long as they get the cash.
It’s sad how the world is turning out to be.

We can’t even be ourselves.
Because the life of the people we see on media platforms.
Leaves us yearning.
Then begins, the journey to be like them.
Then we leave aside our originality.
Dashed it to the ground.
And preferred to be someone else instead who we really are.
She never did understand.

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