I have had this post in my archives for a while but never thought of posting it, seeing it as silly musing. However, I read Chynanu’s post about growing up and I got motivated enough to post.
Here is what I’d written so far as at April 16, 2016.
‘I feel sorry for myself and every child who has to hurry into adulthood way before they are ready, I doubt if I’d ever be ready now. Don’t even know if I’m really a child or an adult. There are moments when I feel like one of the two. But really I feel like a child at heart, exploring this world before me. But there are those other real things I’m supposed to focus on. College, religion, family and love. I just want to pause time. Let everyone wait for me to catch on! Like we’re all going too fast. Aiming for this thing that restricts us from really living.
I do understand the concept of vacation now and these days, having a nap is like a reward not an actual normal thing. But of course the world won’t wait for me. So I live on.
There are days I relapse into being a child. I look at people around me and I’m like come on I’m just 18 years and a couple of months, not twenty something.’
So what is the big deal about growing up? You age and you’d die (Sorry for being honest). I am quite tall for my age and I’ve seen people gasp in disbelief when I tell them my age. This compounds to the growing up issue. Some people think because I’m tall and all, I’m supposed to behave all matured. These days I’m tired of how older people relate to me though. Especially my parents.
My mother stopped seeing me as a child the day I matriculated into college. I was just sixteen and a little over 5’7. I had called her that day when I had issues with my faculty registration and she had said ‘Oyin you’re funny o. Do you still think you’re a child? Sort yourself out.’ Then she hung up and didn’t call for three days.
Every single day of the first two weeks of resuming in college, I cried. I’m not ashamed to say this. I have never been away from home for more than three weeks till today, especially to a place I have few friends. I missed home everyday and I couldn’t tell my parents because ‘an adult is supposed to be strong’.
Up till last year, there were moments I would tell her I didn’t want to go to school. She’d laugh and tell me to get serious. Can I not be ‘unserious’ because I’m a child? I can’t even sleep in her bed anymore because that would be seen as childish.
And the emotional issues associated with relationships which this ‘growing up’ thing has brought me is enough for me to give up on growing up.
Chynanu made mention of Peter Pan in her post. I have always been a fan of Peter. Will always be. Used to believe in Neverland till I clocked 13 and science taught me there was no such thing.
Shall I refuse to grow up then? Nonsense you’d say. Of course not. I’d rather just take life at my own pace and leave all these teenagers rushing to grow up. Come on, I’m not ready to deal with rent, bills and all.
My mother made mention of how awesome my marriage would be sometime late last year and I paused for a moment. I actually thought about it. I am the first daughter and it is expected that I would get married first. She’s thinking of the next 6 years and I’m here like ‘Come on! I’m not even thinking of that yet. I’m just 18.’
Sure I’d have to cross that bridge some day but for now let me enjoy the last phase of my supposed childhood while I can. Yes, I’m scared of growing up.
Here’s a piece of poem for your reading pleasure:
Maturity is a vice
One which should be legalised
Age should not determine
How and what I should be
Act right they say!
I’d rather do this my way
Slow down dear time
Let me reach my prime
Oh Peter is the secret in your pan?
The way to Neverland
Let me be innocent again
Let me be young again
What’s your opinion about growing up? Do comment. Thank you! ❤